The struggle within

I just read an article that got to me.  I really felt for the writer, and really, really understood her struggle.  While I am not a single mom, I get it and have been putting a lot of thought into things over the last couple of months (where I wrote here but did not publish).  Her post can be found here.

See, I've seen a lot of anger, vitriol and animosity around the digital world -- and it hurts a bit.  It feels sometimes like there is no room for struggle, no room to really connect as people.  There's a lot of judgement out there.  And, the mommy wars out there are painful to read about.  I have a lot of expletives in my head about all that drama. 

But -- I also question some of the articles about the mommy wars.  Because while people write about moms who choose to stay home, or moms who choose to work outside the home, there is really very little attention paid to moms who don't make the choice.

I didn't make that choice -- it was made for me.  And, while I am finally coming to the point in life -- my life as a work at home mom that is -- where I am okay with being here even though the kids are getting much older, it was still never my choice.

The kids and I are much closer now than when I worked outside the home -- but they are also much older, so I can't tell you if it's because I am home, of if it's simply that we have much more in common now as they learn about the world around them in more in depth ways. 

The youngest, especially, has blossomed as an individual while I've been home, which brings a smile to my face in all reality. And, what really gets me is that they really see the struggle.  They see the struggle with my "job" (the shop -- and the new one I am opening soon), they see the struggle with the laundry, dishes, getting food on the table -- when, as an artisan, I am making a mere fraction of what I would be making outside the home.

They were used to a standard of living that I can't provide them anymore -- and it's taken a while, but they are getting used to it.  But where can we be really honest with what's going on in life -- to really try an make that connection if there is just so much judgement out there?  How does it really benefit to judge what one doesn't understand -- because we really as people don't have the full pictures of each others stories, not really. 

My closest friend lives 3,000 miles away -- and I love her dearly, but even still I don't know everything about her -- I don't know her whole story day-in-and-day-out, so there is nothing I would want to judge about her.  I am pretty sure it's the same for her.  So, what is it about the digital world that makes everything so judgy? 

Is it just that we can hide, seemingly anonymously behind the computer screen?  I hope not -- I hope it's not that and instead it's that people really don't know how hurtful they are being.  I really hope that it's more simple:  that when someone posts something on facebook or other media about "government moochers" that they don't know the inner struggle of the "friends" they are sharing that with.

It's hard to come clean with real thoughts out there in cyberspace -- which lends itself to creating an online persona that really becomes one-dimensional.  I know it's hard -- and I avoid it like the plague, because I don't really want people to know the struggles of being a work-at-home-mom.

But then again -- I think that being real may be more important in the long run.  Like the gemstones I work with -- I am multi-faceted, and I am pretty sure my customers are as well. 

Out of the loop...again

I have been absent -- from many things related to my Etsy shop.  I haven't been paying as much attention on the forums, I haven't been adding new items like I should be.  I haven't been renewing items because -- well it's pretty busy work around here these days.

I know I should have prepared better for the holidays -- I know I should have focused more on the shop.  But, these days, I am of the mind that I have enough items.  I struggled enough for the keywords and views and really, what I like is my customers.

I love when someone asks me if I can find something for them -- something special.  I love when someone says "This is for my mom," or "this is for my best friend," and tells me what is special about them choosing my shop to order from.  I've been working a lot one-on-one with customers and find it difficult to concern myself with SEO and exposure and other things I concern myself with generally.

But -- more than that, I've been busy, busy, busy.  I've been in a Veterans writing class for a long time now -- well over a year.  I enjoy it immensely and am a little miffed that because of the holidays -- I don't get to go as often. 

That's me being selfish right there.

I am preparing for the holidays and everything is still up in the air.  I don't know if I am cooking here -- or if we are going to family's homes.  It's just not cemented.  And that, is stressful.

I've been diligently completing my thesis -- finally, after a year off from my MA program, it was tough to get back into academic writing.  Really, really tough considering I am also in the creative writing type groups for Veterans.  The writing in the Vet classes is pretty cathartic -- so I find myself going there instead of my shop, or my thesis -- so I am always frustrated with running out of time.

I recently lengthened my processing time to 1-3 days, so that I can have that little breather if I need to write.  But, I still try to get items out within about a day.  It's just a personal breather for me to know is there.  And, more often than not, if for some reason (like we recently had a power outage that left all the kids at home and me unable to get to the post office) I can't get your item off until the 3rd day -- I will probably upgrade your shipping without you knowing to Priority.

But, back to the creative writing -- it's done nothing more than make me wish I had not gone to all these communications programs.  I know that sounds horrible -- but it's no longer my first love.  I now wish I could sit in a room and read and write -- and get paid for it, lol.

I often hear "do what you love" and I agree -- but I wonder, what if what we "love" changes often?  Is it okay to move between things like that?

I can't remember where I found this -- but I think it was on Slate.com

The other side of this life

I have a deep, dark secret: I viscerally hate being a work-at-home-mom.   I don't know if it's the acronym #WAHM or if it's that I now need a modifier to explain what I do every day.

True, when I worked out of the house -- I still explained what I did, sort-of.  First, I was a soldier -- but that was a given, I had to wear a uniform so there was an obvious acknowledgement there.

Sort-of.

Then, I was a college student -- working work-study positions to get a little extra money while hubby wore the uniform.  Not as obvious -- but still easily explained when dropping the kids off at day-care.

Then I worked for the government -- and while you couldn't tell "where" I worked by looking at me as a GS civilian-- but, I obviously worked outside the home.

During those times there was the issue with the day care on post needing proof that I and my husband had to work on certain training holidays -- certain holidays or what-not.  We had to provide proof to get them into care those days, and it was tedious.  We couldn't just use the day care for a 'training holiday' (which we paid for anyhow) to get a breather.  We couldn't go grocery shopping without them, we couldn't clean house while they were at school: there were rules.

When the hubby was deployed, less questions were asked.  Less questions came up when the kids were in school too.

Now, the kids are older and I work-at-home but I just feel like there is no time for me.  And, sometimes I feel very selfish when I need that time.  Because, put quite simply: there is this notion that since I work-from-home and my kids are in school for 6.5-7 hours a day that that time is mine.

It's just not.

I have a load of laundry in the washer and dryer (it's about 8:45 am) -- I've washed a load of dishes my daughter promised to wash last night.  I've prepared the package that was purchased sometime in the middle of the night.  I've sent all three kids off to school and put gas in my husbands car. I've talked to my mom for our morning b*tch session.  I have removed kittens endlessly from my dining table.  I've made mental lists of what I have to get accomplished and when today (must prepare my topaz for November birthstones). 

The list goes on and on -- and were I working outside the home, I would have turned on my computer, read a few emails and gotten some coffee.  I would be preparing for the day -- and only a few moments into it.  The laundry would have been there when I got home tonight, or maybe I would have washed a load to move-along tonight.

I would have asked co-workers how they are doing -- what is going on with them.  I would have had outside conversations with actual adults.  I would probably be stressing about the portion of my thesis due last week -- but would mentally note to myself to work at my desk for lunch.

I would already be dreaming of the fabulous lunch I made for myself, instead of thinking openly: "well, at least I already put on pants."

And, I would dream of having that 6.5-7 hours to myself.  In a cabin.  In the woods somewhere.  With a coffee pot and a warm, comfy blanket until the kids got home.

A shed conversion I am drooling over for my hideaway.

Working from Home and what can I make for dinner?

It's tough stuff -- the working from home thing.  I've been at it full time for a few years now (OMG seriously did I just type years?) and it just doesn't seem to get any easier as the kids get older.

Sure, I don't have to stop everything when they get home from school -- they can get their own snacks now.  But still, it's like that 7 hours they are away at school feels shorter and shorter all the time.  It's like it *could* be a reprieve, but it's really not.

Yesterday, two were off from school while the third took the PSAT's.  Not a biggy --until you add the friends who come over all the time since we live so close to the high school.  It's not that I mind the friends coming over -- it's just that I have not remodeled the shed out back to make and office / hide-out.  So, my office is right next to the kitchen -- more to the point, next to the fridge.

And -- it doesn't have a door, because it was designed to be a dining room when the house was built in 1950. It would never, ever, work as a dining room now -- so I stole the "bonus room" for the dining room instead.  It's fine -- but it's not conducive to "alone time" -- or "conference calls".  Really -- it's just a sunshiny place I can stare out the window at the birdies and dewdrops as the weather changes.  Also I can tell when anyone is near my driveway easily.

But -- the whole working from home thing can really wreck havoc on the whole work-life balance thing.  It's so much easier to respond to on off-hour message when you have everything you need to do your job right there.  It's hard to pull away sometimes when it really, truly is family time.  And -- it's really difficult to feel like there is room to breathe, even when no one is around, because there is always that laundry staring you in the face -- the kids often forget to make their beds and there is the never-ending slew of pinterest things you should make for dinner -- you know, since you've got the time.

But the biggest things I have found lately -- is that the family sort of gets to a point, when one works from home like I do -- that shows they don't really think you "do" much.  Sure, there is money hitting the bank account -- sure, you are contributing. But after a few years, your time doesn't seem to matter in actions rather than words.

I was frustrated and angry about that this morning -- like pretty over the top grumpy (don't worry, my mother yelled at me to snap me out of it).  And it was all over really stupid things -- "Mom, can you go to the store today and do x, y, and z?"  No, I can not -- I have things I have to do during the time you are at school besides buying you more XBox games. 

For example, I have to read these articles on how to better do this or that in my shop, son, so that we still see things happening.  I have to write this paper -- and read that one -- and I have to find where you hid my kindle so I can do those things in multiple locations.  Because, my work day does not simply "end" when you get off the bus in the early afternoon.

And -- I have to weed through all the apps, so that I can ostensibly figure out how to work better, faster and by myself, so that we can have that pintrocity for dinner -- or that escape dinner and a movie.

The point is -- my time is valuable, even working from home.  As is their's.  I wish they knew how valuable this time they have -- before they have to start working and going to college and doing all the things we do -- is.

The youngest asked me yesterday what my favorite thing about being a mother is.  I didn't know -- I told him such. 

But what I do know is this -- trying to teach them about this time thing: it is not even on the list.

Italian Drunken Noodles from: http://thecozyapron.com/a-cozy-pasta-italian-drunken-noodles-and-shaking-things-up-a-bit/