Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The Truth Behind "Vacation Mode"

When I put my shop in Vacation last month -- it was painful. I did need a vacation from the shop -- I had told my mother so for a little over a year. But, what it comes down to is this: I wasn't on vacation. I was both mourning and closing down my mother's 'estate.'

But, none of my shop platforms have anything other than closing down completely or going on 'vacation' mode. I wished there was something different -- I wished there was a way to say, I am not just taking a month-long break.

Rather, I wished I could say something like "I need this time -- I began these shops with my mother, and I do not know if I can continue without her." I can continue without her -- in the shops that is -- but it has been very difficult looking at the beads, let alone working with them. I have struggled and wept, remembering which gemstones she chose, and which I told her not to buy but she did anyway.

For over a decade, we went to shows together, and shops, and spent time and money shopping together for the shops. Every single order online was made with her consultation, every single trip to s bead shop either she was there or on the phone with me as I chose items. It's just been hard to get back into doing something that was so entirely "ours".

Mom was the seed bead portion of the shops -- seed beads of change was built for her, so that she could retire with it. She was getting close to retirement -- within a couple of years she would have hung up her hat as a computer programmer and quality assurance manager in order to do what she loved. We would do it together. That's why I built her that shop from the ground up -- making designs she liked, choosing colors that were near and dear to her. She loved purple, she loved labradorite and pietersite -- she loved that which was rare and vibrantly full of life and color.

I look to carry on her shop, rather than combine the two, in her honor. It's why after a long time, and before I was ready in all reality, I chose her birthday to reopen both Etsy shops.

I haven't opened the other platforms (except a little on Amazon -- I will add the link later, once I've built it up) because I am unsure if I can deal with that much at this time. I am not going to lie -- I miss her terribly, she was so much to me, my mother, my business partner, my confessor, my very best friend.

It's going to be a hard year, and I know that. But, I think she would want me to continue. Even though I desperately want to give up -- I think she would want this for me and for her memory.
A photo of my Mom -- taken at Fusion Beads in Seattle, on my Birthday, last year. I made her those earrings.